Temporarily Out of Service

I broke today.

Woke up to crisis mode.  I often wake up to crisis mode.  Efforts to help were met with anger and verbal abuse.  And I just Didn’t. Have. The. Strength. to deal with it.

So I broke.  And cried.

I turned off the cell phone.  Left it on the table in the living room.  Left my bag, and everything else.  Took my house key and walked out.

I didn’t walk far.  I can’t walk far.  Found an isolated bench in the park and just sat.

I thought some.  I dozed some.  I watched a lizard as it alternately darted from rock to rock and paused to sun itself.  Those suckers can really move fast.  A park worker came by picking up trash with his stick and we said good morning.  He began to tell me some of his grievances with his job and what he planned to tell his boss.  I smiled and nodded.  Satisfied, he moved on.

I wondered what was happening at home, but decided I didn’t have the energy to care.

I just sat and tried to recharge the batteries.

Didn’t want to think.  Didn’t want to worry.  Didn’t want to fight.  Didn’t want to knit.  Didn’t want to read.

Around noon I went back.  Partner had been frantically trying to reach me by phone, but kidlet had stayed in her room, hadn’t bothered to check if I was even there.

Settled in on the couch.  Napped on and off.  Turned the cell back on.

At some point I read some.  Finished one book.  Started another.  Got through the first chapter and put it down.

Made myself something simple to eat.  Kidlet’s angry that I’m not cooking.  Plenty of stuff in the kitchen that she can fix for herself, but she wants one of her favourite dishes that I make.  So she’s acting the martyr.  Tough.

Partner wants to help.  Keeps asking me if I want her to do this or that.  She doesn’t quite get that I’m not making decisions today.  Not telling anyone else what to do or not to do.

Irresponsible?  Probably.  Childish?  Possibly.

**shrug**

I’ll be back tomorrow.  I’ll be functioning again, at some level at least.  I won’t be fighting.  I won’t be taking on anyone else’s responsibility.  But I’ll be back.

Right now I just need life to leave me alone for a minute so I can breathe.

Peace.